Children at a funeral: from what age, and how to prepare them

When someone in the family has died, many parents wonder whether their child should come to the funeral. The worry is understandable: you want to protect your child and do not know how they will react to the coffin, the urn or the adults in tears. Specialists in Switzerland largely agree on one point: a child who has been prepared and wants to be there should be allowed to be there.

This guide sums up what developmental psychology and grief support recommend. It explains what children understand about death at different ages, how to prepare your child for the service and how they can take an active part in the farewell. At the end you will find services that help families, with a note on their languages.

From what age can children come to a funeral

There is no rule and no recommended minimum age. The Swiss consumer magazine Beobachter sums up the experts' view like this: if a child wants to take part and a trusted person is with them, nothing speaks against it. Equally, no child should be pushed into going.

Asked whether parents should take their children, the Zurich developmental psychologist Moritz Daum answers with a clear yes. He points to a study from 2001: children who had lost a parent and attended the funeral coped better in the long term than children who had not. In his view, farewell rituals help even when a child does not yet fully understand death.

Preparation is what matters. A child who arrives unprepared suddenly sees a crowd of people dressed in dark clothes and crying. That can be upsetting. Younger children may even think, at worst, that they are to blame for everyone being sad.

The kind of ceremony plays a part too. A small urn burial with only close family is easier for many children to take in than a large service with many guests. Some families bring children to only part of the day, such as the burial at the grave or the funeral reception afterwards. That is a farewell as well.

What children understand about death at each age

How you talk to your child depends on their age. The stages below are rough guidelines from developmental psychology; every child is different.

• Around two: children have no idea yet of what being dead means. But they sense that someone is missing and react to the grief of the adults
• From about five: children begin to understand that death cannot be avoided and that a person who has died will not come back
• At school age: children grasp that death affects everyone, including themselves. Before that, many believe they are immortal
• Between eight and ten: understanding is usually complete, including the question of why people die. Emotionally, though, the death is far from processed

At every age: use clear words such as “dead” and “died”. Phrases like “Grandpa has fallen asleep” or “Grandma is on a cloud now” are well meant but mislead children. Some children then become afraid of going to sleep.

It is also normal for a child to hardly react to the news and to want to go back to playing shortly afterwards. That is not a lack of feeling; it is typical for their age.

Preparing your child for the service

A few days beforehand, explain calmly what is going to happen. Describe the place, the music, the coffin or urn, and that many people will be sad and will cry. Tell your child that they may be sad and cry too, and that they can come to you at any time.

Concrete answers to the questions children often ask help them picture the day:

• Where is the person who died now, and what happens to the body?
• How long does the service last, and who will speak?
• What happens at the grave when the coffin or urn is buried?
• Can I go outside if it gets too much?

If a child says no, respect it. Moritz Daum does advise asking where the no comes from, though. Often it is uncertainty, because the child does not know what to expect. A compromise can help, such as an agreement that they can step outside with an adult at any time. Encouraging is good; persuading or forcing is not.

Whether a child wants to see the person who died once more before the service is also their decision. Prepare them for the body being still, cool and somewhat changed, and do not go alone with them but together with a second trusted adult. What such a visit involves is described in Attending a viewing; the options in Switzerland under Viewing and farewell.

A trusted adult and a seat at the end of the row

Parents who are themselves grieving their own mother or father cannot always be the calm anchor a child needs. Specialists therefore recommend a trusted adult who, on the day of the service, looks after the child and nothing else. That might be a godparent (in Swiss German, Gotte or Götti), an aunt or a friend's mother. What matters is that the child likes this person and knows beforehand who will be with them.

Choose seats at the end of a row or near the exit. That way the accompanying adult can step outside with the child without drawing attention. Small children behave as small children do: they ask questions out loud, fidget or get grumpy. That does not disturb a service; it is part of it.

• A soft toy, a comfort object or a small toy in a pocket
• A drink and a small snack, especially if the burial at the grave follows
• In cold weather, warm clothes for the walk to the grave

There is no dress code for children. Dark or muted colours are common but not necessary; comfortable and suited to the weather matters more. More in What to wear to a funeral.

Letting children take part

Many children do not want to just watch; they want to do something. A small task gives them something to hold on to and a place of their own in the farewell. Grief counsellors mention these possibilities, among others:

• Placing a drawing, a letter or a small object in the coffin or at the grave
• Lighting a candle at the beginning or end of the service
• Choosing a flower and laying it in the grave or beside the urn themselves; ideas in Funeral flowers
• Helping to choose a song the person who died liked
• Older children and teenagers can read a few sentences or put together photos for the memory table

Discuss such wishes in advance with the minister, the celebrant or the funeral director, so the right moment is planned in. For a religious service, for example in a Jewish or Muslim community, ask the rabbi or imam how children usually take part there.

After the service: where families find support

Children grieve differently from adults. Many are sad for a moment and then play again soon after, and some questions come only weeks later. Take these questions seriously, and do show your own grief. A sentence like “I am sad, and it has nothing to do with you” helps children make sense of the adults' mood.

Rituals help later on too: a visit to the grave together, a candle on the birthday of the person who died, or a memory box with photos and small objects that the child fills themselves.

If you are unsure, or your child seems heavily burdened for a long time, free support is available in Switzerland:

• Pro Juventute parent counselling — by phone on 058 261 61 61, around the clock and free of charge; its information is in German, French and Italian, English is not mentioned
• Pro Juventute 147 — for children and young people themselves, around the clock, free and confidential; information in German, French and Italian
• Regional grief support for children — mostly in the local language: in German-speaking Switzerland the non-denominational association familientrauerbegleitung.ch offers free grief groups for children and teenagers; in French-speaking Switzerland the As'trame foundation (astrame.ch) supports bereaved children and families

If you are organising a service yourself

Tell us in the first conversation if children will attend. We then plan seats at the end of a row, agree with the minister or celebrant on the moment for a drawing, candle or flower, and ask about a quiet room nearby. What we take on for a service is described under Memorial service.