The funeral reception in Switzerland: Leidmahl and Trauerapéro

In German-speaking Switzerland, the meal after a funeral service is called a Leidmahl. You may also see Trauerapéro (drinks and nibbles), Trauerkaffee (coffee and cake) or, in some regions, Gräbt. In French-speaking Switzerland people speak of a collation or verrée. Family, friends and often other mourners sit together, eat something and talk about the person who died.

The custom is old. In 1940 the folklorist Eduard Hoffmann described the Leidmohl at the inn after the funeral, attended by the minister, relatives and sometimes all the mourners. Today it is usually simpler, and it is optional. This guide explains what is customary, for families and for guests.

Leidmahl, Trauerapéro, Trauerkaffee: the difference

There is no fixed definition. In everyday use, the difference is mainly one of scale:

• Leidmahl — a sit-down meal, usually in a restaurant, often a main course and dessert
• Trauerapéro — standing or loosely seated, with drinks and small bites, often right after the service and close to the church or cemetery
• Trauerkaffee — coffee and cake in the afternoon, short and simple

The Swiss portal trauerportal.ch describes it in similar terms: the burial is often followed by an apéro, a light meal or a dinner. Which form suits depends on the number of guests, the time of day and the budget. For many families it is the moment when the tension of the service eases.

The many names show how widespread the custom was. Hoffmann lists “Lichemohl”, “Leidmohl” and “Gräbd”, “Satamo” in French-speaking Switzerland and “Pallorma” in Romansh, a meal “for the soul”. In the Bern region, people distinguished a grander meat meal from a modest cheese one.

In the past the meal often ran to many courses, and the authorities tried repeatedly to curb the expense with bans. None of that pressure remains: a plate of potato salad is just as appropriate as a full menu.

Who is invited, and how

The family decides who comes. There is no rule. Three approaches are common and can be combined:

• All mourners — the invitation then appears in the death notice or the funeral announcement letter (Leidzirkular), for example: “Everyone is warmly invited to coffee afterwards.”
• A selected circle — a small invitation card is enclosed with the announcement letter. According to trauerportal.ch it is usually the size of a credit card and names the restaurant
• Announced at the end of the service — the municipality of Aesch (BL) recommends in its guide having it announced at the end of the service where the meal takes place and which mourners are invited

If the restaurant is not yet known when the cards are printed, the minister or celebrant can announce it at the end of the service. Inviting a small circle needs no explanation. Guests understand that not every family can or wants to host fifty people. What matters is that the invitation is clear, so nobody is left standing uncertainly outside the restaurant.

Venue and menu

The meal usually takes place in a restaurant near the church or cemetery. Many restaurants have their own funeral meal offers with set menus. One restaurant in Zurich near Nordheim cemetery says it has hosted more than 1,000 funeral meals.

Alternatives include a parish hall, a club room or the family home. The Catholic parishes of Mutschellen (AG), for example, rent out their parish hall on request. If the service is in a funeral hall, ask the cemetery administration whether refreshments are possible on site.

The time of day often decides the form. Catholic services in Wetzikon (ZH) are held at 10:00, so a lunch fits well afterwards. After an early-afternoon service, the meal tends to become an afternoon snack: one Zurich restaurant serves most of its funeral meals between 15:00 and 17:00.

When booking, Aesch advises giving an approximate number of guests and agreeing in advance what will be served. One inn asks for the menu choice and head count at least 72 hours before. Typical dishes on Swiss German funeral menus include:

• Hot ham or Fleischkäse (a Swiss meatloaf) with potato salad
• Meatloaf with mashed potatoes, Geschnetzeltes (sliced meat in cream sauce) or sausage with onion sauce
• A cold platter of cold cuts and cheese, or a salad plate
• Vegetarian dishes, and on request gluten-free or lactose-free options
• Coffee and cake, or a small dessert such as caramel cream

Restaurants know that the number of guests is hard to predict on the day; some deliberately offer flexible menus. If the family or guests follow religious dietary rules, such as no pork or no alcohol, mention it when booking. Tell the restaurant too whether children will be there and whether older guests or those with limited mobility need a seat near the entrance. A table with a photo of the person who died is a simple gesture many families appreciate.

What a funeral meal costs, and who pays

The cost depends mainly on the number of guests. Funeral menus from restaurants in Zurich and Wädenswil give a guide: a main course costs around CHF 20 to 30 per person, some dishes more, a dessert around CHF 7.50 to 11. Drinks are extra. One Zurich restaurant offers a funeral plate for CHF 30.

A worked example: 40 guests with a main course at CHF 25 already comes to CHF 1,000, before drinks and dessert. A Trauerapéro or Trauerkaffee costs considerably less. Some of these menus are a few years old; ask for current prices.

Whoever invites pays, which normally means the bereaved family. The meal is often paid from the estate. In Switzerland, funeral costs count as debts of the estate; what exactly is included is a matter for the cantons, and the funeral meal is not treated the same way everywhere. If there are several heirs, agree on it beforehand. What the municipality covers is explained in Funeral costs in Switzerland.

As a guest at the meal

A few pointers that put many guests at ease:

• Only if invited — go if you were invited personally, by card, or by a note that everyone is welcome
• Pay nothing — you are the family's guest. A gift is not customary; if you want to give something, use the collection or the donation named in the notice
• Laughter is allowed — a Zurich restaurateur with long experience describes the funeral meal as a place where guests may laugh and cry. Stories about the person who died are welcome
• Choosing a seat — if there is no seating plan, let the closest family sit first and join people you know
• Brief condolences — if you could not offer them after the service, the meal is a chance; a sentence and a handshake are enough
• Do not stay too long — if you hardly know the family, take your leave after the meal; the relatives are often exhausted by then

Dress as you would for the service; see What to wear to a funeral. If you come straight from the funeral service, there is no need to change.

It is fine not to hold a meal

A funeral meal is not an obligation. The Zürcher Kantonalbank's form for funeral wishes includes a box stating that no Leidmahl is wanted. Some families do without because they lack the energy, because the service is held in the closest family circle or because the money is needed elsewhere. The same form also lets people set out their own ideas, or deliberately leave the decision to their relatives.

If you do not want to offend anyone, simply leave the meal out of the notice, invite people only for a short coffee, or hold a small get-together later. As a guest, do not ask if no meal is announced.

A guest can decline too. A short apology to the family is enough; no reason is needed. If you were at the service, you have already shown your sympathy.

If you are organising a funeral meal

Book as soon as the date and place of the service are fixed, and give an approximate number of guests. On request, we have the invitation card printed together with the announcement letter; more under Death notice. We plan the service beforehand with you; what we take on is described under Memorial service.